Regretfully Declining Ad-hoc Vacations to Far Off Places. Talking about Painful
Hello Dear Reader,
I am glad you have come by to read my thoughts. I write my open journal to you.
The years continue to roll by and more and more I retreat into my own world.
This summer I did not get taken on any airplane trips. I told many people not to take me because I am very unhappy with the financial position I am in. (I am not sure who is taking everything from me (when there is something to take). All I know is that whenever there was something of value I had, it was taken from me by unknown people. Without any respect for my wishes. Regretfully I think about people coming in from a very far off place. Or my possessions are taken from me by someone who has the ability to take me there (sight unseen). I feel very bad about the situation. But financially the situation is so grim that I am looking not to change it mainly for the reason that it can easily get much worse. This is not a very happy situation.
These people just come into my room (which is isolated as I am). They have many reasons for taking things of value. One is I do not have a right to them. One thing they have said is that I have no right to any money at all. Another thing is that I am forbidden to wear jewels. Another thing is that anything that is left on the table downstairs for anyone to take is not for me. I have no right to take thse things. that is there (often they state they are a church or a congregation of a mission (Africa is a favorite place to talk about). they have important work to do there like helping homeless people on the street (this is a favorite).
Another thing that is often said is that I am incapable of handling money. I am irresponsible and irrational. So they will take it. And everybody will benefit from their good work. They state that I will be very happy with what they give me. I have to state quite clearly that is is so unclear as to what they give me, what stands out is my wishes are not at all respected. Often I feel they magnificant present is certainly magnificent. they have given me the sun.
Other things that happen. I cannot have money because I do not have a fighting force to protect me. I am not titled is another reason.
Since I don't know exactly who was taking me on these international trips, I have asked the practice of being taken to stop. This is very painful. I am in my room for the whole year it seems.
The crux of the issue is as to why I am fighting to get some money for myself in the first place. The needs that I want to be filled are humble ones. I want to go out to eat. I want to go on a safe vacation. I want to have my financial situation secure and to my liking. I want to live in a place in which I have a room to live in and another place to work. (Right now I work and live in my tiny Space). I want to have a therapist to help me learn to live better with other people (instead of retiring into my own world because of the knowledge that even my most basic wishes are not respected).
ALl the reasons in the world as to why I am not to have the ability to get what I want (chronically so). seem to fall into second place to one fact. If I am forced not to talk (and therefore not to listen to). I know by experience what I want will not be granted (modest or not modest wishes).
I also do not want to hear any more oratory as to why It is a genius thing not to have my wishes granted (I should be grateful for what I have (and not have mu wishes granted). I should ot fight my fate (and not have my wishes listened to). I deserve nothing like money or clothing that I like or jewelry (and still my wishes are not to be respected). Etc. etc.
Let me state there are all sorts of reasons as to why my wishes should not be listened to. So irritating is this I don't want to listen anymore. It seems that I have to turn my back on all society for this reason. I know from sad experience that this what happens with all this talk about being satisfied and grateful for what you have (even my most simple wishes are irrelevant).
I am glad you have come by to read my thoughts. I write my open journal to you.
The years continue to roll by and more and more I retreat into my own world.
This summer I did not get taken on any airplane trips. I told many people not to take me because I am very unhappy with the financial position I am in. (I am not sure who is taking everything from me (when there is something to take). All I know is that whenever there was something of value I had, it was taken from me by unknown people. Without any respect for my wishes. Regretfully I think about people coming in from a very far off place. Or my possessions are taken from me by someone who has the ability to take me there (sight unseen). I feel very bad about the situation. But financially the situation is so grim that I am looking not to change it mainly for the reason that it can easily get much worse. This is not a very happy situation.
These people just come into my room (which is isolated as I am). They have many reasons for taking things of value. One is I do not have a right to them. One thing they have said is that I have no right to any money at all. Another thing is that I am forbidden to wear jewels. Another thing is that anything that is left on the table downstairs for anyone to take is not for me. I have no right to take thse things. that is there (often they state they are a church or a congregation of a mission (Africa is a favorite place to talk about). they have important work to do there like helping homeless people on the street (this is a favorite).
Another thing that is often said is that I am incapable of handling money. I am irresponsible and irrational. So they will take it. And everybody will benefit from their good work. They state that I will be very happy with what they give me. I have to state quite clearly that is is so unclear as to what they give me, what stands out is my wishes are not at all respected. Often I feel they magnificant present is certainly magnificent. they have given me the sun.
Other things that happen. I cannot have money because I do not have a fighting force to protect me. I am not titled is another reason.
Since I don't know exactly who was taking me on these international trips, I have asked the practice of being taken to stop. This is very painful. I am in my room for the whole year it seems.
The crux of the issue is as to why I am fighting to get some money for myself in the first place. The needs that I want to be filled are humble ones. I want to go out to eat. I want to go on a safe vacation. I want to have my financial situation secure and to my liking. I want to live in a place in which I have a room to live in and another place to work. (Right now I work and live in my tiny Space). I want to have a therapist to help me learn to live better with other people (instead of retiring into my own world because of the knowledge that even my most basic wishes are not respected).
ALl the reasons in the world as to why I am not to have the ability to get what I want (chronically so). seem to fall into second place to one fact. If I am forced not to talk (and therefore not to listen to). I know by experience what I want will not be granted (modest or not modest wishes).
I also do not want to hear any more oratory as to why It is a genius thing not to have my wishes granted (I should be grateful for what I have (and not have mu wishes granted). I should ot fight my fate (and not have my wishes listened to). I deserve nothing like money or clothing that I like or jewelry (and still my wishes are not to be respected). Etc. etc.
Let me state there are all sorts of reasons as to why my wishes should not be listened to. So irritating is this I don't want to listen anymore. It seems that I have to turn my back on all society for this reason. I know from sad experience that this what happens with all this talk about being satisfied and grateful for what you have (even my most simple wishes are irrelevant).
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